Happy New Year!?!?

It is New Year's Eve!?!?!? I'm gonna party like it's 1999. We are having a get together at the house tonight with some peeps. Gonna cook out and play the Wii. P and I are really getting good with those Wii games. B and her kids are coming over too.

I want to go ahead and lay out my New Year's resolutions. I read in a magazine yesterday that you should never make any resolutions that you know you can't obtain. So, I'm gonna list mine out in no particular order.

1. I am going to lose at least 20 lbs. before swimsuit season.

2. I am going to be nicer to people at work and stop being so sassy.

3. I am going to take better care of my body i.e. shave more than once every two weeks.

4. I am going to do better with my money i.e. save some.

5. I am going to blog more. It makes me feel better.

How many of these will happen? Who knows. I know that right now, I'm sitting at my desk with my pants unzipped so, I HAVE TO lose some weight. I really need to have a better attitude. Making people feel like dumbasses can't be good karma for me at all. That lady karma can sure be a bitch too. I know that I need to shave more. Period. I have to start saving more money and spending less. I can't stop shopping. Some say it's compulsive shopping. Some call it boredom. I call it FUN as hell.

This time next year, I'll revisit this issue just to see what I've done and if I'm wearing a size 14 pants or not. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Weights on My Brain

1. My nail polish is chipping and I just polished them two days ago.

2. It's slow at my work right now and I'm bored shitless.

3. I'm being audited by the IRS (no joking around).

4. I live in a trailer...in the woods...with a dirt road.

5. My checking account is overdrawn.

6. I have to go to the boob doctor today.

7. My gas light is on.

8. I found an old friend on Facebook that I want to ask lots of questions but, I'm scared.

9. I haven't even any junk or candy in the past 24 hours. I can't believe it.

10.My legs and ankles hurt from walking yesterday. I'm taking a day off.

11.P's baby's mama is a bitchass.

12.My neck hurts.

13.I'm hungry.

14.I'm sleepy.

That was a lot of complaining to do. Glad it's over with for today. Hopefully, I will have a nice uneventful day. A day where I can just be.

Whasup Bankhead South

Today, in just a couple of minutes, I am going to start my lunch time exercise program. Walking that is. There is a little walking track near my office and I am going to walk some of this fat off of me. (See prior post for details)

The problem at hand is that I don't feel like walking today. Don't feel like walking to the third power. I'd rather eat a box of rusty thumb tacks. I'd rather slit my wrists with a nail file. I'm just plain ol' lazy.

Well, a miracle has occurred. I went out and walked on my lunch hour. I've eaten no candy today which, is CRAZY. I eat candy all the time. I love candy. I've eaten yogurt, grapes, two peanut butter sandwiches, and some string cheese. I want a tootsie roll, I can see them on my friend's desk right now..in the candy jar...lookin straight at me....dang you tootsie roll.

I told P I was going to start walking last night. Guess who drove past the park today? In his work truck? While I was walking? I went up to his truck and he tried to act like he was just in the neighborhood. I mean, come on P, you can't bullshit a bullshitter....still LOVE you though!!!

Peace, Love and Hur Grease

Have you ever just wanted some peace and quite? I mean, is it too much to ask for? Does the dog always have to bark, do the kiddies always have to scream and yell, does the phone have to ring off the hook?

Today is one of those days. This morning, I got mad because I had to get up and take Mini Me to church. How terrible is that? How guilty did I feel at about 11:00 this morning as we were singing in church? I have a low tolerance for anything really these days. Everything seems to piss me off or put me in a bad mood. It could be the fact that I'm 34 and in menopause. My hormones are so jacked up right now that sometimes, I want to jab people in the eye with a sharp object. I want to go somewhere and just sleep....for a day. A day without that damn dog barking (btw, he's barking right now as I type this). Sometimes, I wish he would run away, far away. I wish he would Houdini his way out of his collar and off his lead and run into the forest.I know the neighbors can not possibly like the dog. They probably wish him gone like I do.

Mini Me is the most precious child I know and some days, she grates on my nerves. I know she can feel the tension. I hate that she has to deal with that. I hate that some days I am a total butthead.

I'm also very disgusted with myself and my weight. I have gain more or less 25 pounds within the last nine months. Part to due with my new medication, part due to my hormones, part due to my poor eating habits, part due to me not sleeping...I mean, I could go on and on. I have got to start walking or doing something to get some of this weight off. I went shopping today with Mudder and tried on a size 12 pant. They didn't fit. I refuse, and I totally mean refuse, to purchase a size 14. I'd rather walk around and continue doing the button/rubber band trick than buy a size 14. I know, I know, there's nothing wrong with a size 14 but, it is wrong with me.

My moods swings are also terrible. One day I'm happy, the next day I'm not. Yesterday, I threw a plastic candy cane at P. Who does that? I haven't been myself for a while now. I often wonder if this is the new me. If so, I don't like the new me. I want the old me back. I want the happy, non-violent, animal lover who could eat cookies in the middle of the night and still fit into her size 8 pants.

113 Things About Me

This isn't really a "To Do List", it is a list that someone sent me that I have been putting off for what seems like months but, it's only been 2 days. So, here goes:

1. I love cookies. Any kind. Doesn't matter.

2. I love Mini Me more than cookies.

3. I love purses.....period.

4. I do not like raw chicken or the smell of cooking beef.

5. I love playing Price is Right on the Wii.

6. I love when P goes hunting and I'm home alone.

7.I have a pink fishing pole.

8. I have 3 pairs of rainboots.

9. I love taco salad.

10. I have 3 BFFS.

11. One of them is my brother.

12. I love AU football even though we sucked this year.

13. I love my niece like she belongs to me.

14. I have a celebration week for my birthday.

15. I hate doing laundry.

16. I love working in the yard.

17. I like to IM people while I'm working.

18. I do not like to cook.

19. I like to watch Saturday Night Live.

20. I love reality shows.

21. I have 2 dogs.

22. I live in the country.

23. My favorite color is pink.

24. I have all red pots and pans.

25. I love taking pictures.

26. My favorite holiday is Easter.

27. I like to smock.

28. I like to made hairbows.

29. I love candy of all kinds.

30. I love to listen to loud music.

31. With the windows down.

32. I love Summer time.

33. Spending time in the pool and at the beach.

34. I like to read books.

35. I like to see funny movies.

36. I love family get togethers.

37. I love my family.

38. I'm about to be an aunt again.

39. I've escaped death 5 times

40. I'm grateful to be alive.

41. I love God.

42. I love my church.

43. I love my fish tank.

44. I love crickets chirpping.

45. I love fresh sheets.

46. I have candles going all the time.

47. I hate running out of toilet paper.

48. I love my new hair.

49. I love my new boobs.

50. I love my new tats.

51. I love P with all my heart.

52. I love my new COACH bag.

53. I love to work in the yard.

54. I like going hunting with P.

55. I like going fishing with B-Money.

56. I like gossiping with SE about her ex-husband.

57. I like going to the movies with B on Sunday afternoons.

58. I like to cookout with friends.

59. I like to have parties and drink beer.

60. I like to scrapbook.

61. I love to shop for bargains.

62. I love Bath and Body Works.

63. I like the air to be on 65 in the house or I can't sleep.

64. I don't sleep very much.

65. I love my car tag.

66. I like my job.

67. I like to eat Sno-Biz.

68. I love Hobby Lobby.

69. I can't stand nasty feet.

70. I can't stand people that show their nasty feet.

71. I can't stand the dogs barking.

72. I hate getting shots and blood drawn.

73. I hate not being able to sleep on my sides.

74. The above makes it almost impossible to sleep.

75. I eat in my sleep.

76. P eats in his sleep too.

77. I like taking long showers.

78. I also like long baths.

79. I hope that 2009 is a good year for me.

80. I hope J has a healthy baby.

81. I like the Country store on the corner.

82. I like Britney Spear's new CD.

83. I like Grey's, Desperate Housewifes, and Extreme Home Makeover.

84. I like Facebook.

85. I like that I have never married anyone that has asked me.

86. I do like to eat wedding cake.

87. I need to start exercising.

88. I take coins out of P's money jar.

89. I like to camp.

90. I can water ski.

91. I like to go to the beach but I do not like the sand.

92. I only like silver jewelry.

93. I drink way too many cokes.

94. I need to drink more water.

95. I love Walmart.

96. I like having drinks with the girls.

97. I like watching football with B-Money.

98. I want to live next door to him so we can tear down the fence.

99. I hope the baby is a girl.

100. I love my grandmother and I am grateful she came for Christmas.

101. I am grateful for a wonderful family.

102. I am grateful for life it's self.

103. I love that Obama is our new president.

104. I love that Bush will no longer be our president.

105. I love that Hillary Clinton will not be our president.

106. I love that even though McCain went on SNL, he didn't get elected.

107. I love bonus bucks at CVS.

108. I love BOGO at Payless.

109. I love BOGF at Winn Dixie.

110. I love my new vacuum cleaner...it's PINK.

111. I love all my Christmas presents.

112. I like to watch the deer in my yard.

113. And finally, I love ME!

My New Ink

This is my new addition. I absolutely LOVE it. I stare at it, rub it, think about it, analyze it, cry over it, question it, grieve with it, get mad at it and proudly wear it.

It's not only a reminder of the battle that I fought but, a reminder of all the friends I made that lost the battle. It is a conversation piece for women who are young and do not think that 33 year olds are capable of having Stage II breast cancer. It's awareness. It's a reminder to keep yourself checked or have someone check for you.

My Mudder went with me to get it. We were going to get matching ones. She talked about it for two days. We went to the bank to withdraw our money and drove to the tat shop. When we went inside, they had hard-core rap going. Now, I love me some rap but, this was "i'm gonna kill ya grandmother" kinda rap. She was scared. I designed our tattoos and we were ready to go back. I sat down first and the guy started getting everything together and sterilized. He cut the gun on and draw that first line. My toes curled up into a position I've never seen them in before....EVER! After she saw how my toes curled up when he started it, she chickened out. She left the room. Said she would make a nice contribution to the Breast Cancer Foundation here in town. I guess I can't blame her. It was painful but, it was a good kind of pain.

It was the type of pain that I knew something pretty was going to come out of it. Kinda like all the pain I've gone through to get these new boobs I have. I would post a picture of them on here but, I don't want all you people in blog land to see them just yet. They are still underconstruction.

On April 1, 2009, exactly one year to the day that I was diagnosed, I am getting a fourth tattoo. I know what I want but, I'm not real sure where I should put it. I guess I have a while before I have to make that decision. P and I are planning on getting married and I'm not sure I want tats on my back in the beautiful wedding dress I'm going to have. It would just look tacky. The tat I want would cover my entire back....it's gonna be SWEET! I might look like Lil Wayne when this is over....all tatted up.

No Santa For You

I am writing this entry only because it has weighed on my mind for several days now. It has nothing to do with me or Mini Me. It is a story of a mother that I know that is in the grip of meth. She wanted to spend Christmas Eve and morning with her daughter. A person would assume that if you have a kid and they spend the night Christmas Eve, Santa comes. Santa comes to the house where the kid is and drops off gifts. The kid goes to sleep thinking Santa will have dropped off all the things on her list. Not this kid. She woke up to nothing. No toys, no stocking, no nothing.....

It is absolutely none of my business why this mother did this. I can only assume that she did not have the money or the sense from her drug habit. This poor kid will be scarred for the rest of her life because she was left no toys. I heard the news through a friend Christmas morning and Mini Me and I went and raided Walgreens for toys, candy, and anything else we could get. We wrapped it up and gave it to this little girl. Even though it was not Santa, at least she knew that somebody was thinking of her on Christmas.

I only hope that this mother can get the help she needs and deserves. I have offered to help her anyway I can. I want her to get her life back on track and be the good mother I know she can be. Please put this mother in your prayers. Her daughter needs her.

Breast Cancer Junkie

August 20, 2008

I go in to have my surgery in two days. I will have both boobs taken off and skin expanders placed under the skin and muscle. I am both excited to have this done and scared at the same time. I'm ready for it to be over with but, I am scared of having complications too. I've spoken with Dr. Doug Robertson who will be doing my reconstruction portion. We have come up with a plan where he will come in right after Dr. Strickland and take over. He will then begin his portion of the surgery. The whole procedure should take 8 to 9 hours. I've been getting ready. Mudder and I have bought special PJs, pillows, magazines, etc.

September 4, 2008 I'm back. I guess I need to pick up after the surgery. The surgery was a success. Before the surgery began, I was taken back to have dye injected into directly into my nipple....with no pain meds. I mean, I thought I was gonna come off the table. I was already nervous as hell but, to have a 6 inch needle injected into your nipple is off the charts painful. Even though I don't have nipples anymore, I still feel that pain. The injection of dye was to trace it to the lymph nodes. If the dye passed through so many lynph nodes then, those had to be removed. After the injection of dye, I was wheeled back and prepped for surgery. The Mudder and I sat and joked with each ohter for a while as we always do. Then, it came time to go. I gave her a hug and told her how much I loved her and that I would see her soon. The surgery took 9 hours total. The first thing I remember is Mudder telling me everything was just fine, I was fine, she was there. I could not open my eyes yet or see her. I could only hear her. I remember riding in the elevator and being in the most intense pain I've ever felt. They had no compassion while riding over bumps in the elevator or the hall way. Worse than the car accident and worse than childbirth. My chest was on fire. When they wheeled me into my room, I looked around and there were people everywhere. Mudder, Poppal, B-Money, Dad, SE, P and lots of nurses. I had air casts on my legs that kept me from getting blood clots in my legs. I looked down and there were four drain tubes hanging out of my chest. It felt like I had incisions near my neck for some reason. I kept telling Mudder that those cuts were burning and hurting. I did get to see my incisions and they were not near what I thought they would be. They were nice and neat. Dr. Strickland did an excellant job cutting. I was not shocked like I thought I would be. I thought I would cry or grieve for them. I didn't.

I was on pain medication that did not work. The nurses coming in and out kept me from sleeping. In fact, I don't think I slept one time while I was there. The night of the surgery, Mudder and SE spent the night with me. Mudder was in such a deep sleep, she couldn't hear me calling her. It was funny. She snored so loud, I couldn't sleep. The nurse and I joked that I needed my own room. I had muscle spasms all night long and was in lots of pain. Nothing they gave me seemed to help, not even morphine. I was miserable, absolutely miserable. I couldn't find the remote to the TV so, I just laid there, waiting for morning to come and people to wake up.

The next morning, the nurse said I could get the cauther out if I could get up and use the bathroom. So, I got up, with lots of help of course. By this time, Mudder was gone and Poppal was there. I got up in the upright position and it felt like somebody was poking me with a fire poker while standing on my chest. My back was in indescrible pain. I thought it was broken in two. As bad as that pain was, I wanted that cauther out. The sooner I could get up and sit up, the sooner I could leave there. I got up and hobbled to the bathroom with SE, Poppal and the nurse. I sat down and immediately thought I was going to be sick. Apparently, this was normal. The nurse went and got me something for nausea. After lots of waiting and lots of listening to water trickle from the sink, I peed. All by myself. That really wasn't the case. I thought it would be an overnight visit. Well, it turned into a four day visit. There were complications with draining. Dr. Robertson did not want to release me with that much drainage. Phil and I did really well with getting me out of the bed and sit in a chair for several minutes every couple of hours. He made sure I had plenty to drink and eat.

After four days, I was released. It was raining cats and dogs that day. I said goodbye to my favorite nurse Mattie. I love her and will think of her for the rest of my life. Phil took me home. He and Mudder took care of me for the next two weeks. Poppal made sure my incisions were medicated, drains cleared, and I had my medicine on time. He is my angel. I am crying right now as I type this. Poppal is my Dad. He took care of me when I needed him the most. He didn't care what he was looking at or how gross it was. He did it. He did it with a smile and made me feel comfortable with what I had just lost. He made all my favorites and made sure I had those tiny Dr. Peppers that I like so much. I love you Poppal!

The day after I came home from the hospital, Dr. Strickland personally called me to let me know that she got clean margins. She said she did have to take out 6 lymp nodes. They along with both of my boobs were tested and I WAS CANCER FREE! Mudder couldn't comprend what she was saying. I knew, I just knew I had beat CANCER. I had come all that way and been sick....I beat CANCER. Mudder broke down and cried. I tried to console her but, I believe her crying was worries built up over the past several months. I couldn't cry, I BEAT CANCER.

B-Money and I have been closer than we have ever been. We have started watching AU football on Saturdays. I try very hard to spend as much time with Avery as I can. He has such a beautiful family and I love them very much.

September 11, 2008 I went to Dr. Strickland's office to have my port removed. I was very nervous. I had surgery to put it in and I wanted surgery to have it taken out. I had never had minor surgery in a doctor's office. I was nervous about the needles even though I had been poked ten times a week since April. She took me back to a room and very gently gave me a numbing shot. I didn't feel the rest. She dug around and lifted it out. It didn't really look like what I had pictured it. It was just a white piece of plastic with a tube on it. It was a white piece of plastic that saved my life.

September 15, 2008 I have since seen Dr. Davidson who has put me on a medication to block any estrogen that my body may make. I had several tests run at the Cancer Center and it returned with CANCER was estrogen driven, which means I could get cancer again if my body produces any. So, I now have to take a little white pill for the next five years. Not only did the chemo shrivel my ovaries up like pickles, it put me into menopause. I truly feel sorry for any woman who has/or is going through menopause. I have the worst mood swings, I cry most days over nothing, I have hot flashes to the point where my pores feel like they are on fire, and for some reason all I want to do is be with my Mudder. My hormones have gone nuts...i cry ALOT.

This hormone situation has made me question everybody and every decision I have made EVER. I hate being at home even though it was my idea of moving there. P did all the moving himself. I should be thankful for that but, I hate it there. I only want to be with my Mudder. I don't want to talk to anyone about CANCER, I don't want to go to anymore of those HOPE meetings, I don't want people asking me how I feel. The answer is always "fine" because I know they don't really want to know how I'm feeling or what kind of crap I have been through since April 1, 2008. It's just easier to say "fine".

September 18, 2008 Ten days after my surgery, I started going to Dr. Robertson's office for my "pump ups". Dr. Robertson put expanders in under the muscle to expand them to eventually put implants in. He would take a magnet to find the port in the expander and mark it. He then inserts a needle through the skin and muscle to access the expander. He would pump about 50cc of saline into each side. I would go home and be in what felt like hell. Lots of times, I thought I was going to vomit it hurt so bad. I couldn't move my muscle they were so tight. I couldn't get out of bed alone, I couldn't put my own shoes on, I couldn't shave, and couldn't put on my own deo. It was very very uncomfortable for about three days after each treatment. By the time it stopped hurting so bad, it was time to go back. I did have a bright idea to put a heating pad on my boobs to help releive some of the pain. Note to self: heating pad is hot and will melt bandaids to your numb boobs. Still crying ALOT.

September 19, 2008 I had a bone density test today to see if the chemo did any damage to my bones. All is clear. My bones are GREAT!

October 16, 2008 I have to say that I have enjoyed my time off. I have been able to spend some really good time with my whole family and I have been able to attend some of Mini Me's school activities. Even though she is still uncomfortable that I have no hair, I try to act like it is no big deal. I know she has had a hard time adjusting to me having no hair and having her friends make fun of me but, she has done so well. I love her with all of my heart and I so happy to be here to be able to see her sing at her school. Crying is a daily occurrence.

November 3, 2008 I started back to work today.....BLAH. I should be happy but, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm sad that Mudder and I can't be together everyday. Even if we just sit and look at each other. November 4, 2008 Obama is elected as President....whoot whoot.

December 8, 2008 Saw Dr. Strickland today for a checkup. I saw a woman in the lobby in a wheelchair who was weak, pale and bald. She made me cry. I felt her pain. I knew her story. I wanted to go over to her and tell her that she would be okay....but I couldn't. I was afraid to talk to her so instead, I cried. In the lobby. By myself. I cried in the examine room. I cried while Dr. Strickland cried because her brother just died. We cried together. I was crying for all the other women who won't make it through breast cancer and I was crying for all that have and what they went through. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I'm not sick anymore.

December 10, 2008 Appointment with Dr. Smith. Told him all my symptoms and cried. He says I need to get angry about my CANCER and I will stop crying.....what does that mean? Angry because I got CANCER? Who am I supposed to be angry with? Myself, my parents, GOD? I'm angry at him for making me pay $25 to say some bullshit like that. I'm angry that I will probably have to live like this for the next 5 years.

December 11, 2008 I finished my last "pump up" today. He only put 30 ccs in. I go back in two weeks to made sure they are even. Then, they will sit for 90-days and I will have the implants put in....another game of waiting for more surgery.

December 15, 2008 It's Christmas time. I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. So much has gone on this year, I'm tired. I don't want to sing Christmas songs, exchange gifts at work or go to any Christmas parties. I such want it plain and simple.

December 21, 2008 We had Christmas at Mudder's today. Of course, she and I both were totally confused about what presents to open. We had birthday gifts and Christmas gifts mixed together. It really didn't matter, all the kids got to open lots of gifts. Mini Me had the most fun with her Sharpay outfit, Brantely with markers, AC with her tool box, and MH with her art set. It was a fun time with the whole family. Poppal made us the best spread. We had meatballs, veggies & dip, crab cakes, chicken nuggetts, fruit salad, chips & dip, and cake. After the celebration, we went to MH's birthday party at Skate Zone.

December 22, 2008 I woke up this morning with a semi-feeling in my right side. It is an uncomfortable sensation. That side already feels very puffing at times. Sometimes, my arm doesn't know where to go. It doesn't know if it should stay be my side or whether it should lay across my chest. It's very awkward. I believe the nerves are finally repairing themselves. It's painful. I'm still not sleeping at night. I can't sleep on my sides and my back hurts. Mudder and I have come up with an idea to put lifters on the bed so I can lay at an angle. The sleep meds the doctors have given my DO NOT work. I don't sleep all night. I get up and snack, watch TV, surf the internet, listen to Phillip snore. I'm so tired. B and I went to see Four Christmases last night and I almost fell asleep during the movie.

Part Deux

I have so much to write now. I will start where I left off. After that April Fool's day event, I saw a different doctor each day for the next seven days. I saw Dr. Pam Strickland who is my surgeon. I LOVE her. She has been not only my surgeon but, my friend. For some reason, everytime I see her, I cry. She lets me cry and understands why I'm crying. Sometimes, she cries too. I saw Dr. Stephen Davidson who is my cancer doctor. My first impression of him was that he was too full of himself and I was not going to like him at all. His examination rooms were covered in awards, degrees, and trial studies all about him. By the time I saw him, I had a PET scan, MRI and heart test. Because of SE, these tests were read on the spot. I already knew what the results and what course of action I wanted to take and how I wanted it done. He seemed a little put out that I only wanted to know when I started chemo. I did not want to know the how's and why's of breast cancer. I did not want to know about cell mutation, the mass nearly attaching to my chest wall, the risks, the long term care, or even how chemo works. I wanted to know when I started chemo and that was it. He scheduled me to start that next Monday.

Dr. Davidson would go on to tell me that since summer was approaching, I could continue with my social activities such as going to the lake, drinking, going to clubs, hanging with my friends, socializing in general. He told me I could go on as usual. He never told me that the heat would make me throw up, sun would give me third degree sunburn not only on my skin, but on my bald head, no desire what so ever to drink anything but Sprite and to eat nothing other than cheeseburgers. I could only swim in the evenings due to the sun and heat. I did not want to see anyone or hang out with anyone....EVER. He also didn't tell me that my hair would hurt or the folicles would cause so much pain I would have to prop my neck up in a way my head did not hit the pillow. He didn't tell me that my arms and legs would have constent and uncomfortable chill bumps. He didn't tell me I could bruise easily and would have to have two ultrsounds on my leg in fear of a blood clot. He also didn't tell me my nose and eyes would water like a faucet. I should ask him to reimburse me the money that I paid for tissues.

I saw Dr. Strickland again and scheduled my surgery to have my port put in. A port is a little plastic device that feeds the chemo into your body. Each visit to the Cancer Center, the port was accessed by a needle. Through that port, they could also draw blood and administer any other meds I needed at the time.

My first couple of chemo treatments were GREAT. I laid there wondering why everyone was covered in soft white blankets, pale, sickly looking, and asleep. There was always that one person sitting in a chair next to them waiting, waiting, and waiting. Waiting for them to need to use the bathroom, waiting to get a drink, some ice or a snack. These people just sat there waiting. I couldn't understand what the big deal was. I also couldn't see what was so bad about getting the "day after shot". Note to self: I HATE THOSE SHOTS.

Exactly fourteen days after I started my treatments, my hair started to fall out. Somebody told me it would happen exactly fourteen days after but, I didn't think it really would. My mom shaved it short. Just about everyday, some times twice, we cut it shorter and shorter. It was hard for her, she took it very hard. I guess I just prepped myself to be bald. Even though we planned for me to wear scarves and hats, it was the middle of the summer and it was just plain too hot. So, I walked around bald headed. I developed spotty patches where it was half bald and half hair. Eventually, it all fell out. Bald as a babies butt. Slick. I did have a phantom ponytail that I would flick around occassionally. I personally did not really think about not having hair. I would only be reminded if I passed a mirror or if someone said something about it. Taylin on the other hand was nervous about what her friends would say. She did have a couple of incidents where kids made fun of me and hurt her feelings.

Exactly fourteen days after I started my treatments, I needed every medication tht they prescribed me. Meds for nausea, pain, panic attacks, vomitting, for depression, and for fever. I had to take my tempurture every single day twice a day to make sure I was not getting sick. I keep all of them in a large plastic container. It looks like an old person's plastic container.

You would not believe the out pour of prayers and cards from my family and people I didn't even know. People who just wanted me to know their story send me cards. Sunday classes and churches were sending me weekly cards to lift my spirits. Nana's friends sent me cards every week. It was such a shock to me of how many people think of me.

Luckily for me, some of the people at my work donated their sick time for me to be off from work throughout this whole ordeal. Those people, most are strangers, will never know how much I appreciated that jester. I was truly blessed to be working where I do at this time. If I were still in Florida, I don't know what I would have done. I would probably be out of work right know. Those people will never know how they touched my life. Every Monday that I had a treatment, they would bring me a basket or bag full of get well cards and some other surprise. I got a manicure/pedicure, movie passes, candy, stationary, and other nic naks. I was grateful for those. I loved reading them while getting my treatment. Also, Ben really stepped up this summer and let Mini Me come stay with him while I completed my treatments. I am grateful to him for that.

The third chemo treatment, that's when I understood. I understood completely why those red devils made my body freeze. Gave me the worst chills I've ever had. I can not explain them and no matter how many blankets I had on or how many layers of clothes I had on, I was turning into that person. I was that person who was weak, pale, bald, who had dark circles under her eyes, and couldn't eat anything but cheeseburgers. My Mudder was that person sitting in the chair next to me waiting. Waiting for me to go to the bathroom, waiting for me to need a drink, waiting to drive me home and waiting to protect me. I was in such pain, all I could do is cry. I spent a lot of time in bed. I tried to go places like Walmart but, I couldn't make it out of the car somedays. I depended on Mudder for my taxi service, my meals, my strength, my entertainment, and my best friend. Even though I was going through CANCER, I was having the best time with Mudder. We ran the streets of Montgomery just about everyday. Even though I did not feel well, I still went and ran errands with her, shopped, watched movies, and spent countless hours in Walmart. She is my rock. I couldn't have gone through this ordeal without her. My spirits were lifted every time she was with me. I loved it when she brought me Monday prizes. It made going to chemo on Mondays much better. She will never know how much she helped me and she will never understand or feel how much I love her.

I still had the fourth red devil to deal with. The fourth one is the worst. Poppal had a convention in Destin, Florida the weekend following the last red devil. I didn't even make it to the fourth treatment before I had to be rushed to the Cancer Center dehydrated and sick. I was hooked up for fluids for the next two days. Mudder and I made plans to spend the last treatment in Florida. I didn't know if I was going to make it. I got the fourth red devil treatment on Monday and we left on Thursday. I barely remember driving down there. We stayed at the Bayside Resort. I did a lot of laying around. I could barely walk I was so sick. We took a trip to Walmart in Destin. I thought I was feeling up to it. Once I got there, I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I was so weak and nausea. I told her I needed to go right away. At that moment, I was at my lowest. I could have laid down in the floor of Walmart. I thought I was going to die. I thought we were going to have to go to the hospital there in Destin. The pain sent me into a panic attack and made me cry. I had to dose myself up. Mudder had to sleep with me two days just to make sure I was still breathing. I could barely eat, drink or take a shower. Luckily, I had Poppal. He made sure I was hydrated and was okay to stay there. We did manage to do some walking around and some shopping the last day we were there.

The remaining four treatments were a breeze compared to the previous four. They even gave me meds to sleep through most of them. I did not have severe side effects like I did with the first four. It was actually nice to go there and nap. The only downside was that the treatments took four hours.

I have to say, during all of my treatments, my blood count never went down to an unnormal count. It always stayed right in a healthy range. I was never anemic and I was never sick with a cold. My body stood strong as an ox. It carrid me through being poisoned and would soon carry me through a major surgery.

Stay tuned...

Here Me Is

Well, I've been gone for a very long time. I remembered today, December 24, 2008, that I even have a blog. I have decided to update it and try really, really hard to keep updating it. I feel the need to blog lately.

Since my last post, Mini Me and I have moved AGAIN. We are finally where we are supposed to be, which is a blessing since I have been sick. On April 1, 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I couldn't believe a couple of things. 1) I have breast CANCER and 2) I have breast CANCER. I haven’t written this in a journal because I didn’t want to write about the fact that I have CANCER, I went through chemo treatments, I had both boobs removed, and I'm in the middle of reconstruction of two new ones. I just wanted to fly under the radar and not talk about it with myself or really anyone else. One good thing, who would have thunk that I would get a boob job after all these years of wanting bigger, better ones.

First I would like to say that I hate the word "breast". I don't know why. It just grosses me out.

I guess I can back track to around April 1, 2008. I noticed a sunken in right boob and made an appointment with Dr. Keith Green who is my GYNO for April 1, 2008. Yes, I know, it’s April Fool’s Day. He looked, poked, rubbed, and mashed on my boob for several minutes and then requested that I go to have a mammogram done. They made the appt. for several weeks out. I didn't agreed. I called my friend SE at the Cancer Center and she wedged me in for an appt. that afternoon. I had no thoughts what so ever of being in danger of having CANCER. I was scared to go and have the mammogram done because of the horror stories I had heard about the pain of having your boobs mashed and photographed, not that I thought I had boob CANCER. After they did the boob pics, I had a ultrasound done. There is was, a huge black mass of ugliness. The lady would roll her little ultrasound wand over my right boob and it would just show up right there. I still wasn’t worried at this point. She took still shots of it and measurements and spoke lightly in conversation. She actually looked like nothing was wrong. I wasn't prepared for what would happen in the next minutes. She stepped out to get the Mudder and the doctor to see this ugly mass up close. I lay there wanting to know “what is that?” Asking the doctor, "well, what is it?" The doctor didn’t hold back one bit in telling me that “that is breast cancer” You have BREAST CANCER!?!?!?!?!? She didn’t actually shout at me like that, but it felt like it. WHAT?!?!?!? What did she just say?

I laid there for a split second....huh??? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I have breast CANCER, but the fact that I might die. I might die and leave my precious Mini Me here on earth. I don't want to die....I cried a cry I've never cried before. Not for me, but for Mini Me. I didn’t want her to live here on earth without me, without her Mom. I would never be able to kiss her, brush her hair, paint her fingernails, watch her grow up. I did not want to miss her wedding, her babies, her LIFE.

I was in absolute shock, in a panic of sorts. Everything after that happened so quick. I didn't have time to do anything. I wanted to run outta there like my pants were on fire. I wanted my shirt and bra back. I wanted to go home. I wanted to get Mini Me from school and hug her. I wanted to go home and curl up in the bed and lay there forever.

But I couldn't do that, if I was going to get better, I had to immediately begin my fight for my life. I had to have a biopsy done right then, right there. They asked if I wanted to reschedule the biopsy and I refused. I wanted it done right NOW. I wanted to know how serious this was and how I was going to get over it. They prepped my skin for an inch long incision. They numbed the area with a couple of shots of something and began the biopsy. The Mudder covered my eyes the whole time so, I did not actually see the needles, but I could feel them digging and clipping. It was the worst pain I have EVER had…and I mean EVER. Plus, I had gum stuck in my back teeth. Very awkward.

I rode home with Mudder that afternoon wondering how I was going to tell my family what had just happened. How would I tell P? How would I tell Mini Me without scarring her to death. How to tell her wihtout disrupting her sweet little world and instilling the fear of death in her. I didn’t want to tell them the news that would break their hearts. B-Money cried. He was so very worried about me. I love him. He's my brother.