Breast Cancer Junkie

August 20, 2008

I go in to have my surgery in two days. I will have both boobs taken off and skin expanders placed under the skin and muscle. I am both excited to have this done and scared at the same time. I'm ready for it to be over with but, I am scared of having complications too. I've spoken with Dr. Doug Robertson who will be doing my reconstruction portion. We have come up with a plan where he will come in right after Dr. Strickland and take over. He will then begin his portion of the surgery. The whole procedure should take 8 to 9 hours. I've been getting ready. Mudder and I have bought special PJs, pillows, magazines, etc.

September 4, 2008 I'm back. I guess I need to pick up after the surgery. The surgery was a success. Before the surgery began, I was taken back to have dye injected into directly into my nipple....with no pain meds. I mean, I thought I was gonna come off the table. I was already nervous as hell but, to have a 6 inch needle injected into your nipple is off the charts painful. Even though I don't have nipples anymore, I still feel that pain. The injection of dye was to trace it to the lymph nodes. If the dye passed through so many lynph nodes then, those had to be removed. After the injection of dye, I was wheeled back and prepped for surgery. The Mudder and I sat and joked with each ohter for a while as we always do. Then, it came time to go. I gave her a hug and told her how much I loved her and that I would see her soon. The surgery took 9 hours total. The first thing I remember is Mudder telling me everything was just fine, I was fine, she was there. I could not open my eyes yet or see her. I could only hear her. I remember riding in the elevator and being in the most intense pain I've ever felt. They had no compassion while riding over bumps in the elevator or the hall way. Worse than the car accident and worse than childbirth. My chest was on fire. When they wheeled me into my room, I looked around and there were people everywhere. Mudder, Poppal, B-Money, Dad, SE, P and lots of nurses. I had air casts on my legs that kept me from getting blood clots in my legs. I looked down and there were four drain tubes hanging out of my chest. It felt like I had incisions near my neck for some reason. I kept telling Mudder that those cuts were burning and hurting. I did get to see my incisions and they were not near what I thought they would be. They were nice and neat. Dr. Strickland did an excellant job cutting. I was not shocked like I thought I would be. I thought I would cry or grieve for them. I didn't.

I was on pain medication that did not work. The nurses coming in and out kept me from sleeping. In fact, I don't think I slept one time while I was there. The night of the surgery, Mudder and SE spent the night with me. Mudder was in such a deep sleep, she couldn't hear me calling her. It was funny. She snored so loud, I couldn't sleep. The nurse and I joked that I needed my own room. I had muscle spasms all night long and was in lots of pain. Nothing they gave me seemed to help, not even morphine. I was miserable, absolutely miserable. I couldn't find the remote to the TV so, I just laid there, waiting for morning to come and people to wake up.

The next morning, the nurse said I could get the cauther out if I could get up and use the bathroom. So, I got up, with lots of help of course. By this time, Mudder was gone and Poppal was there. I got up in the upright position and it felt like somebody was poking me with a fire poker while standing on my chest. My back was in indescrible pain. I thought it was broken in two. As bad as that pain was, I wanted that cauther out. The sooner I could get up and sit up, the sooner I could leave there. I got up and hobbled to the bathroom with SE, Poppal and the nurse. I sat down and immediately thought I was going to be sick. Apparently, this was normal. The nurse went and got me something for nausea. After lots of waiting and lots of listening to water trickle from the sink, I peed. All by myself. That really wasn't the case. I thought it would be an overnight visit. Well, it turned into a four day visit. There were complications with draining. Dr. Robertson did not want to release me with that much drainage. Phil and I did really well with getting me out of the bed and sit in a chair for several minutes every couple of hours. He made sure I had plenty to drink and eat.

After four days, I was released. It was raining cats and dogs that day. I said goodbye to my favorite nurse Mattie. I love her and will think of her for the rest of my life. Phil took me home. He and Mudder took care of me for the next two weeks. Poppal made sure my incisions were medicated, drains cleared, and I had my medicine on time. He is my angel. I am crying right now as I type this. Poppal is my Dad. He took care of me when I needed him the most. He didn't care what he was looking at or how gross it was. He did it. He did it with a smile and made me feel comfortable with what I had just lost. He made all my favorites and made sure I had those tiny Dr. Peppers that I like so much. I love you Poppal!

The day after I came home from the hospital, Dr. Strickland personally called me to let me know that she got clean margins. She said she did have to take out 6 lymp nodes. They along with both of my boobs were tested and I WAS CANCER FREE! Mudder couldn't comprend what she was saying. I knew, I just knew I had beat CANCER. I had come all that way and been sick....I beat CANCER. Mudder broke down and cried. I tried to console her but, I believe her crying was worries built up over the past several months. I couldn't cry, I BEAT CANCER.

B-Money and I have been closer than we have ever been. We have started watching AU football on Saturdays. I try very hard to spend as much time with Avery as I can. He has such a beautiful family and I love them very much.

September 11, 2008 I went to Dr. Strickland's office to have my port removed. I was very nervous. I had surgery to put it in and I wanted surgery to have it taken out. I had never had minor surgery in a doctor's office. I was nervous about the needles even though I had been poked ten times a week since April. She took me back to a room and very gently gave me a numbing shot. I didn't feel the rest. She dug around and lifted it out. It didn't really look like what I had pictured it. It was just a white piece of plastic with a tube on it. It was a white piece of plastic that saved my life.

September 15, 2008 I have since seen Dr. Davidson who has put me on a medication to block any estrogen that my body may make. I had several tests run at the Cancer Center and it returned with CANCER was estrogen driven, which means I could get cancer again if my body produces any. So, I now have to take a little white pill for the next five years. Not only did the chemo shrivel my ovaries up like pickles, it put me into menopause. I truly feel sorry for any woman who has/or is going through menopause. I have the worst mood swings, I cry most days over nothing, I have hot flashes to the point where my pores feel like they are on fire, and for some reason all I want to do is be with my Mudder. My hormones have gone nuts...i cry ALOT.

This hormone situation has made me question everybody and every decision I have made EVER. I hate being at home even though it was my idea of moving there. P did all the moving himself. I should be thankful for that but, I hate it there. I only want to be with my Mudder. I don't want to talk to anyone about CANCER, I don't want to go to anymore of those HOPE meetings, I don't want people asking me how I feel. The answer is always "fine" because I know they don't really want to know how I'm feeling or what kind of crap I have been through since April 1, 2008. It's just easier to say "fine".

September 18, 2008 Ten days after my surgery, I started going to Dr. Robertson's office for my "pump ups". Dr. Robertson put expanders in under the muscle to expand them to eventually put implants in. He would take a magnet to find the port in the expander and mark it. He then inserts a needle through the skin and muscle to access the expander. He would pump about 50cc of saline into each side. I would go home and be in what felt like hell. Lots of times, I thought I was going to vomit it hurt so bad. I couldn't move my muscle they were so tight. I couldn't get out of bed alone, I couldn't put my own shoes on, I couldn't shave, and couldn't put on my own deo. It was very very uncomfortable for about three days after each treatment. By the time it stopped hurting so bad, it was time to go back. I did have a bright idea to put a heating pad on my boobs to help releive some of the pain. Note to self: heating pad is hot and will melt bandaids to your numb boobs. Still crying ALOT.

September 19, 2008 I had a bone density test today to see if the chemo did any damage to my bones. All is clear. My bones are GREAT!

October 16, 2008 I have to say that I have enjoyed my time off. I have been able to spend some really good time with my whole family and I have been able to attend some of Mini Me's school activities. Even though she is still uncomfortable that I have no hair, I try to act like it is no big deal. I know she has had a hard time adjusting to me having no hair and having her friends make fun of me but, she has done so well. I love her with all of my heart and I so happy to be here to be able to see her sing at her school. Crying is a daily occurrence.

November 3, 2008 I started back to work today.....BLAH. I should be happy but, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm sad that Mudder and I can't be together everyday. Even if we just sit and look at each other. November 4, 2008 Obama is elected as President....whoot whoot.

December 8, 2008 Saw Dr. Strickland today for a checkup. I saw a woman in the lobby in a wheelchair who was weak, pale and bald. She made me cry. I felt her pain. I knew her story. I wanted to go over to her and tell her that she would be okay....but I couldn't. I was afraid to talk to her so instead, I cried. In the lobby. By myself. I cried in the examine room. I cried while Dr. Strickland cried because her brother just died. We cried together. I was crying for all the other women who won't make it through breast cancer and I was crying for all that have and what they went through. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I'm not sick anymore.

December 10, 2008 Appointment with Dr. Smith. Told him all my symptoms and cried. He says I need to get angry about my CANCER and I will stop crying.....what does that mean? Angry because I got CANCER? Who am I supposed to be angry with? Myself, my parents, GOD? I'm angry at him for making me pay $25 to say some bullshit like that. I'm angry that I will probably have to live like this for the next 5 years.

December 11, 2008 I finished my last "pump up" today. He only put 30 ccs in. I go back in two weeks to made sure they are even. Then, they will sit for 90-days and I will have the implants put in....another game of waiting for more surgery.

December 15, 2008 It's Christmas time. I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. So much has gone on this year, I'm tired. I don't want to sing Christmas songs, exchange gifts at work or go to any Christmas parties. I such want it plain and simple.

December 21, 2008 We had Christmas at Mudder's today. Of course, she and I both were totally confused about what presents to open. We had birthday gifts and Christmas gifts mixed together. It really didn't matter, all the kids got to open lots of gifts. Mini Me had the most fun with her Sharpay outfit, Brantely with markers, AC with her tool box, and MH with her art set. It was a fun time with the whole family. Poppal made us the best spread. We had meatballs, veggies & dip, crab cakes, chicken nuggetts, fruit salad, chips & dip, and cake. After the celebration, we went to MH's birthday party at Skate Zone.

December 22, 2008 I woke up this morning with a semi-feeling in my right side. It is an uncomfortable sensation. That side already feels very puffing at times. Sometimes, my arm doesn't know where to go. It doesn't know if it should stay be my side or whether it should lay across my chest. It's very awkward. I believe the nerves are finally repairing themselves. It's painful. I'm still not sleeping at night. I can't sleep on my sides and my back hurts. Mudder and I have come up with an idea to put lifters on the bed so I can lay at an angle. The sleep meds the doctors have given my DO NOT work. I don't sleep all night. I get up and snack, watch TV, surf the internet, listen to Phillip snore. I'm so tired. B and I went to see Four Christmases last night and I almost fell asleep during the movie.