Well, I've been gone for a very long time. I remembered today, December 24, 2008, that I even have a blog. I have decided to update it and try really, really hard to keep updating it. I feel the need to blog lately.
Since my last post, Mini Me and I have moved AGAIN. We are finally where we are supposed to be, which is a blessing since I have been sick. On April 1, 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I couldn't believe a couple of things. 1) I have breast CANCER and 2) I have breast CANCER. I haven’t written this in a journal because I didn’t want to write about the fact that I have CANCER, I went through chemo treatments, I had both boobs removed, and I'm in the middle of reconstruction of two new ones. I just wanted to fly under the radar and not talk about it with myself or really anyone else. One good thing, who would have thunk that I would get a boob job after all these years of wanting bigger, better ones.
First I would like to say that I hate the word "breast". I don't know why. It just grosses me out.
I guess I can back track to around April 1, 2008. I noticed a sunken in right boob and made an appointment with Dr. Keith Green who is my GYNO for April 1, 2008. Yes, I know, it’s April Fool’s Day. He looked, poked, rubbed, and mashed on my boob for several minutes and then requested that I go to have a mammogram done. They made the appt. for several weeks out. I didn't agreed. I called my friend SE at the Cancer Center and she wedged me in for an appt. that afternoon. I had no thoughts what so ever of being in danger of having CANCER. I was scared to go and have the mammogram done because of the horror stories I had heard about the pain of having your boobs mashed and photographed, not that I thought I had boob CANCER. After they did the boob pics, I had a ultrasound done. There is was, a huge black mass of ugliness. The lady would roll her little ultrasound wand over my right boob and it would just show up right there. I still wasn’t worried at this point. She took still shots of it and measurements and spoke lightly in conversation. She actually looked like nothing was wrong. I wasn't prepared for what would happen in the next minutes. She stepped out to get the Mudder and the doctor to see this ugly mass up close. I lay there wanting to know “what is that?” Asking the doctor, "well, what is it?" The doctor didn’t hold back one bit in telling me that “that is breast cancer” You have BREAST CANCER!?!?!?!?!? She didn’t actually shout at me like that, but it felt like it. WHAT?!?!?!? What did she just say?
I laid there for a split second....huh??? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I have breast CANCER, but the fact that I might die. I might die and leave my precious Mini Me here on earth. I don't want to die....I cried a cry I've never cried before. Not for me, but for Mini Me. I didn’t want her to live here on earth without me, without her Mom. I would never be able to kiss her, brush her hair, paint her fingernails, watch her grow up. I did not want to miss her wedding, her babies, her LIFE.
I was in absolute shock, in a panic of sorts. Everything after that happened so quick. I didn't have time to do anything. I wanted to run outta there like my pants were on fire. I wanted my shirt and bra back. I wanted to go home. I wanted to get Mini Me from school and hug her. I wanted to go home and curl up in the bed and lay there forever.
But I couldn't do that, if I was going to get better, I had to immediately begin my fight for my life. I had to have a biopsy done right then, right there. They asked if I wanted to reschedule the biopsy and I refused. I wanted it done right NOW. I wanted to know how serious this was and how I was going to get over it. They prepped my skin for an inch long incision. They numbed the area with a couple of shots of something and began the biopsy. The Mudder covered my eyes the whole time so, I did not actually see the needles, but I could feel them digging and clipping. It was the worst pain I have EVER had…and I mean EVER. Plus, I had gum stuck in my back teeth. Very awkward.
I rode home with Mudder that afternoon wondering how I was going to tell my family what had just happened. How would I tell P? How would I tell Mini Me without scarring her to death. How to tell her wihtout disrupting her sweet little world and instilling the fear of death in her. I didn’t want to tell them the news that would break their hearts. B-Money cried. He was so very worried about me. I love him. He's my brother.
